http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wql3xpJ5R5Y

wow

post coitus I want to like, chop wood and build ships and wrestle grizzly bears.

inside a boy

it's funny that as you transition, you start to become more and more comfortable in your own skin and you figure out what you want and you have people perceiving you a certain way and it all is working
and then you pursue a relationship or sex or whatever it is you're looking for and suddenly everything becomes complicated all over again.
especially when that girl is straight
hem
I guess I feel like when I'm around her I'm really....over doing the masculinity thing? At my most natural there is a healthy balance. I consider myself to be pretty in touch with my feminine side, and there are several aspects about me...my interests, my music, my appearance, my mannerisms, that cause me to appear to be an adorable little gay man but I love ladies
it is a problem!

ohhhh I had more thoughts but they are gone now.

writing at work instead of working

Wake up breathless, trying to pinpoint the moment when this became regularity
Remember that picture Mom had framed of us in the hallway just after a fight smile for the camera
Worth a thousand words but which are the right ones
to me it’s always you fucked up you fucked up you fucked up a thousand times over count them out carefully
Tangled up in my heart my dear you are [sic] it’s not a matter of me giving you my heart, that’s cliché and inaccurate. No, no my darling, you’re all in here, pieces of you in here not the other way around, not pieces of me given away and thrown away, no no
I lost bits here and there

Wake up gasping and wonder where it all went downhill

I hope you remember me in the dark moments of your life
strikethrough
I hope one day you understand why I
I hope you can forgi
In the dark moments in your life think about
I hope you know you’re gorgeous. There’s your punctuation.
And in the dark moments of your life remember that I fell in love with you.
this is what I mean to write. Remember I fell in love with you.
and every thing i ever said to you and every thing i ever did for you and every look i ever gave to you could be translated i love you i love you i love you
isn't that fucking noble
give me a goddamn prize why don't you

Wake up wishing for anything but, smoker’s cough honey, not long now.

sin
sin
sin

you know you live with too many hyper masculine guys when you have the following conversation
kyle: finish your beer, we need to see some skanks (at the bars)
ben: ima chug this and put it in your skull
kyle: jesse, put your fucking shoes on
me: I have to work at 6am tomorrow
kyle: SACK UP! SACK UP!


so I sacked up apparently
and
now
work is going to suck in 4 hours

things

Sweating all the time is annoying
Using the same kind of vibrato in my low range as I would singing soprano results in a really...odd kind of wimpy sounding singing. I can't even really pinpoint what sounds weird about it. I've been listening to broadway nonstop and trying to analyze what the difference is but so far I've got nothing. I should take voice lessons!
Chaz Bono! Nuff said.
The View can suck my dick
uh
um
*shrug*

"For we pay a price for everything we get or take in this world; and although ambitions are well worth having, they are not to be cheaply won, but exact their dues of work and self-denial, anxiety and discouragement."
Lucy Maud Montgomery
Anne of Green Gables

everything, it must belong somewhere

I went to the DMV today because my tags expired (technically I should have already gotten them changed since they were still my dad's tags, but now they're expired so yeah) and it was an ORDEAL
I'm sure the lady that helped me will be talking about me over dinner tonight, something like 'this guy who used to have a girl's name was in today'
I handed her my title and explained that I needed plates and she looked at my title and said 'who is Jessica' and I said 'that would be me' in a low voice and the guy at the counter next to me slowly turned his head and just staaared and he was wearing a harley davidson shirt and I was thinking please don't fag drag me please don't fag drag me

They wouldn't let me do anything because the name on my license was different than the one on my title
so I had to come back to the house and get my name change stuff and then get my name changed on the title and then get the plates
fun times.

I'm starting to get a mustache and it fills me with joy
um
I'm really fucking poor
which means I should not go drink but I tots am
although last night I just went to see Up and then came home, did laundry, and read Gone with the Wind. Very manly night, right?
I'm going back and forth on wearing shorts today. Hm.
yeah. it's so nice out. shorts and flip flops

bleem blop

having weird emotional moments that I normally associate with PMS
it's been 4 weeks since my last period and 11 days since my first shot of T.
I'm curious as to whether or not I am going to have a period this month. One of my ovaries doesn't work very well apparently, and usually I skip a month here and there anyway. I skipped March and had one in April, and now I'm wondering if I'll skip or have one or never have one again or what.
What an adventure!

I had to take a lorezapam to get to sleep last night-I'm having issues lying awake and worrying about money and graduating and finding a job etc etc etc
bloo

http://www.youtube.com/user/Thegallopingmanic

beedoodoop

everyone do the what the hell am I going to do with the rest of my life dance
bloop

It's an odd position to be in when you're surrounded by people but you feel completely alone. I have allies, I have trans friends who have gone through it themselves, I have people who are trying to switch pronouns, but ultimately this journey is my own.
I got stupid drunk last night and punched a wall apparently. If there were no previously existing history of these kind of actions it might be worrisome, but this is a standard practice at 50 Morris.
I'm scared that by making the decision to take testosterone I've alienated my parents forever. I'm scared that I'm never going to find someone who will love me
relatedly, I'm pretty tired of this crush that's dominating my daydreams.

that's it.

bonfires and other junk

Last night was pretty fun on the whole. I managed to eat a little bit of fish--the first flesh I've eaten in quite some time--and my friends and I built a fire.
It was interesting because I'm not really sure how my high school friends are viewing me at this point in time. Leanna and I talked briefly about my transition, and she asked me 'what if you become a man and then you realize you want to be a woman?'
I thought about it and I said 'if that happens, I guess I'm just screwed. But it's not going to happen so.'
I think because I waited so long to actually come out to them, they're still processing everything and like...it seems like everything is happening all at once to them, you know? Like they don't really see the whole process I went through, they just see 'hey, I'm gonna be a guy. Oh my name changed. Oh I'm starting T next week.'
So. I guess it's weirder
But last night, Walker's friend Brian came over, who I have not met previously, and he clearly read me as male immediately. Actually, even after Leanna kept calling me Jessica, he continued using male pronouns.
Haha. Fantastic.
I think maybe it was good for my friends to kind of see oh, well, he really does pass as male to people who don't know him. Then again maybe they didn't notice. w/e
um
Supposedly my father is coming to the house today. We'll see how that goes.

I got into the stupidest fight ever with a close friend last night over what possibly could be the absolute dumbest thing in the universe
and I'm so frustrated over it because I know that I will end up being the one who has to apologize because she can NEVER be wrong. Ever.
rrgh

stars

and the stars don't shine for me and you even though I'd like them to and every day is shorter than the last
- the indelicates, stars



okay
I was walking home tonight and I'm a little buzzed. When I turned onto my street the difference in light was palpable. Morris is just a sleepy little street with a few houses and you could see the stars much more clearly than you can when you're on court with all the lights shining
and I started thinking as I was stumbling home, staring up at the night sky, looking at the stars, the same stars that Dad and I used to watch through a telescope in our backyard on nights when my mom would let me stay up past bedtime so I could have Daddy time, I thought about how as things change they really stay the same
because even when you can't see the stars, they're still there
even when I'm changing I'm still there
the core of who I am is not going to change
and I think that's what has scared me so much
so
I don't know if this made sense but I knew if I went to sleep before recording it I would lose it
so there

"I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind."
Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights.

I honestly don't think tonight could have been nicer.

Today I took a break from the Decemberists and listened to The New Pornographers and thought about the line "we are the challengers of the unknown" which is the line my tattoo represents and each day I think it gets more true for me.

I should write more because I feel the need for expressing myself but words absolutely will not come.

I got my letter
I can start T
I don't really
I'm so
hm
scared?
anxious?
excited?
nervous?
some mixture of that

I got drunk and danced a lot last night, which was nice.

derelict daydreams

I've been thinking a lot about friendship and relationships and what those sort of things mean to me. I think I'm growing as a person, but at the same time I'm in a state in which I think I'm becoming more of the person that I always imagined I would be. This is a good thing of course, but it's also confusing and takes a toll on my heart sometimes.

I've been thinking about the people I love and wondering where our paths are going to take us.
It's weird when you have the strongest friendships with people who you only see once or twice a month, if that. Where we stand now, it's easy for us to fall back into our friendship patterns, but I wonder how it will be down the road. Right now Jeff can afford to drive down to Athens on a weekend so we can get stoned and watch Invader Zim, but he's on the road to starting a family, and so that scenario will get less and less likely as the years pass. Which is perfectly fine, because I hope the same is for me.
It's an example of friendship dynamics having to change. Jeff and I had a childhood friendship, a pre-teen awkward friendship, a high school friendship, a college drunken friendship, and now we're entering our adult friendship. If that means seeing each other at awkwardly formal dinner parties (as I assume it will since I've been watching a lot of Desperate Housewives lately) that's fine with me,
Other friendships though...I wonder if they'll ever evolve past the high school stage. Of course, one prime example is Rebecca. I'm not even going to go into all that though.
There's also the friends who, I have found out from third party sources, accept me to my face and say phobic things behind my back. Which is pretty cute, but I'm over it.

Friendships change dynamics.
that's what I keep coming back to. And the fact that it's okay. I'm not the frightened, suicidal, timid girl that I was. I'm something else entirely now.
I think about all the people who kept me alive over the years, and I mean that quite literally. I think about them and I wonder if I will, with my life, make up for the strain I have put on people. I hope that I can. Particularly my family. I'm going to put them through more in the coming years, I know. And maybe that is selfish. Maybe that is me saying, despite all you've done for me, I'm going to destroy the daughter and sister you fought to save anyway.
But I'm still going to be here. And I think that's what I've come to the past couple months. All of the hatred and self-loathing and self mutilation and feeling wrong even when everyone told me I was fine and I was a good person, all of that was me trying to break out of the shell that everyone saw. The shell I never really was.
I used to write about a monster deep inside me trying to break out but now I know that wasn't a monster. It was just me.
I've completely gone off target.
Sometimes I look in the mirror now and I don't have the surge of self-loathing. Sometimes I think I look good and I feel good and I'm just on the cusp of maybe loving myself. I think that's progress. I do.
I think I'm a good person, and I never thought I would get to that point. I'm going on a vastly different path than a lot of people, I am aware of this. But unlike a lot of things in my life, I know that even when I find out one of my closest friends in the world has been negative towards me because of this....it just rolls off my back. I just laugh. I forgive him.
which is definitely different.

merp

I have difficulty expressing myself sometimes.
it's a good thing that lots of writers came before me to preemptively describe how I would feel at this moment in time
of course that thought in itself makes me think of Salinger--
"[ . . .]you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles." - Catcher in the Rye

everything goes back to Salinger these days since I've been rereading all of the Glass stories

(yes, this blog is meant to be about my transition but I'm a literary transman so this stuff is important too)

okay so I feel
um
I feel like a 13 year old boy
awkward and wanting to touch some titties
hm
ok tried that, time for quotes
"My heart was a habitation large enough for many guests, but lonely and chill, and without a household fire. I longed to kindle one! It seemed not so wild a dream" - Nathanial Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"A sensible man ought to find sufficient company in himself." - Bronte, Wuthering Heights

"It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;-- it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others." Austin, Sense and Sensibility

okay done
feelings expressed

bloop

"There is no credulity so eager and blind as the credulity of covetousness, which, in its universal extent, measures the moral misery and the intellectual destitution of mankind."

Joseph Conrad

serious

true friendship is your straight biomale friend helping you position your new packer in your briefs.

I like the stp so far, though I'm still having leaking problems. I may get a silicone nipple and cut off the tip and use that instead. I'm gonna mess with a few different things

having something to pack in my briefs is awesome though. Even though it's such a small thing (I mean, such a big thing. my dick is huge. yeah.) it really increases my confidence level.

the aforementioned friend has been giving me man tips today
things I have learned:
how not to stand
that men need to reassure themselves that their penis is still there by touching it every once in a while, but you have to act like you're rearranging or else it's just fondling yourself
and..uh...probably other things but to be honest all we did today was play with my penis, eat, smoke pot, and watch invader zim
which was a good day by my standards

I filed my name change paperwork on Thursday.
I couldn't be happier.

This weekend was all about cleaning up my life. After last therapy when I just got pissed off about everything, I realized it was all because I was feeling trapped and unable to move forward. Up until this point, my transition was going at a natural progression. I cut my hair, wore men's clothing, started wearing a shirt and tie to work, started binding...etc etc...but I hit a wall because I was too scared to come out to people or anything like that.
So this weekend it was time. I came out to my boss, my roommate, and a couple friends. I'm just slowly working on it. And then this weekend I cleaned the house and my room, and I took all the clothes I considered girly and put them away in a box where nobody can see. I went through facebook and deleted all pictures where I look female. (I think I got them all, idk)
I've been doing exercises to lower my voice as well. I can already get pretty low naturally, but I'm trying to train myself to not make a strange face when I go down to my even lower range. To do this I've been singing in the car...a lot. It helps a whole bunch, I swear.

I guess that's it for now.