Last night was pretty fun on the whole. I managed to eat a little bit of fish--the first flesh I've eaten in quite some time--and my friends and I built a fire.
It was interesting because I'm not really sure how my high school friends are viewing me at this point in time. Leanna and I talked briefly about my transition, and she asked me 'what if you become a man and then you realize you want to be a woman?'
I thought about it and I said 'if that happens, I guess I'm just screwed. But it's not going to happen so.'
I think because I waited so long to actually come out to them, they're still processing everything and like...it seems like everything is happening all at once to them, you know? Like they don't really see the whole process I went through, they just see 'hey, I'm gonna be a guy. Oh my name changed. Oh I'm starting T next week.'
So. I guess it's weirder
But last night, Walker's friend Brian came over, who I have not met previously, and he clearly read me as male immediately. Actually, even after Leanna kept calling me Jessica, he continued using male pronouns.
Haha. Fantastic.
I think maybe it was good for my friends to kind of see oh, well, he really does pass as male to people who don't know him. Then again maybe they didn't notice. w/e
um
Supposedly my father is coming to the house today. We'll see how that goes.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
stars
and the stars don't shine for me and you even though I'd like them to and every day is shorter than the last
- the indelicates, stars
okay
I was walking home tonight and I'm a little buzzed. When I turned onto my street the difference in light was palpable. Morris is just a sleepy little street with a few houses and you could see the stars much more clearly than you can when you're on court with all the lights shining
and I started thinking as I was stumbling home, staring up at the night sky, looking at the stars, the same stars that Dad and I used to watch through a telescope in our backyard on nights when my mom would let me stay up past bedtime so I could have Daddy time, I thought about how as things change they really stay the same
because even when you can't see the stars, they're still there
even when I'm changing I'm still there
the core of who I am is not going to change
and I think that's what has scared me so much
so
I don't know if this made sense but I knew if I went to sleep before recording it I would lose it
so there
- the indelicates, stars
okay
I was walking home tonight and I'm a little buzzed. When I turned onto my street the difference in light was palpable. Morris is just a sleepy little street with a few houses and you could see the stars much more clearly than you can when you're on court with all the lights shining
and I started thinking as I was stumbling home, staring up at the night sky, looking at the stars, the same stars that Dad and I used to watch through a telescope in our backyard on nights when my mom would let me stay up past bedtime so I could have Daddy time, I thought about how as things change they really stay the same
because even when you can't see the stars, they're still there
even when I'm changing I'm still there
the core of who I am is not going to change
and I think that's what has scared me so much
so
I don't know if this made sense but I knew if I went to sleep before recording it I would lose it
so there
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
"I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind."
Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights.
I honestly don't think tonight could have been nicer.
Today I took a break from the Decemberists and listened to The New Pornographers and thought about the line "we are the challengers of the unknown" which is the line my tattoo represents and each day I think it gets more true for me.
I should write more because I feel the need for expressing myself but words absolutely will not come.
Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights.
I honestly don't think tonight could have been nicer.
Today I took a break from the Decemberists and listened to The New Pornographers and thought about the line "we are the challengers of the unknown" which is the line my tattoo represents and each day I think it gets more true for me.
I should write more because I feel the need for expressing myself but words absolutely will not come.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
derelict daydreams
I've been thinking a lot about friendship and relationships and what those sort of things mean to me. I think I'm growing as a person, but at the same time I'm in a state in which I think I'm becoming more of the person that I always imagined I would be. This is a good thing of course, but it's also confusing and takes a toll on my heart sometimes.
I've been thinking about the people I love and wondering where our paths are going to take us.
It's weird when you have the strongest friendships with people who you only see once or twice a month, if that. Where we stand now, it's easy for us to fall back into our friendship patterns, but I wonder how it will be down the road. Right now Jeff can afford to drive down to Athens on a weekend so we can get stoned and watch Invader Zim, but he's on the road to starting a family, and so that scenario will get less and less likely as the years pass. Which is perfectly fine, because I hope the same is for me.
It's an example of friendship dynamics having to change. Jeff and I had a childhood friendship, a pre-teen awkward friendship, a high school friendship, a college drunken friendship, and now we're entering our adult friendship. If that means seeing each other at awkwardly formal dinner parties (as I assume it will since I've been watching a lot of Desperate Housewives lately) that's fine with me,
Other friendships though...I wonder if they'll ever evolve past the high school stage. Of course, one prime example is Rebecca. I'm not even going to go into all that though.
There's also the friends who, I have found out from third party sources, accept me to my face and say phobic things behind my back. Which is pretty cute, but I'm over it.
Friendships change dynamics.
that's what I keep coming back to. And the fact that it's okay. I'm not the frightened, suicidal, timid girl that I was. I'm something else entirely now.
I think about all the people who kept me alive over the years, and I mean that quite literally. I think about them and I wonder if I will, with my life, make up for the strain I have put on people. I hope that I can. Particularly my family. I'm going to put them through more in the coming years, I know. And maybe that is selfish. Maybe that is me saying, despite all you've done for me, I'm going to destroy the daughter and sister you fought to save anyway.
But I'm still going to be here. And I think that's what I've come to the past couple months. All of the hatred and self-loathing and self mutilation and feeling wrong even when everyone told me I was fine and I was a good person, all of that was me trying to break out of the shell that everyone saw. The shell I never really was.
I used to write about a monster deep inside me trying to break out but now I know that wasn't a monster. It was just me.
I've completely gone off target.
Sometimes I look in the mirror now and I don't have the surge of self-loathing. Sometimes I think I look good and I feel good and I'm just on the cusp of maybe loving myself. I think that's progress. I do.
I think I'm a good person, and I never thought I would get to that point. I'm going on a vastly different path than a lot of people, I am aware of this. But unlike a lot of things in my life, I know that even when I find out one of my closest friends in the world has been negative towards me because of this....it just rolls off my back. I just laugh. I forgive him.
which is definitely different.
I've been thinking about the people I love and wondering where our paths are going to take us.
It's weird when you have the strongest friendships with people who you only see once or twice a month, if that. Where we stand now, it's easy for us to fall back into our friendship patterns, but I wonder how it will be down the road. Right now Jeff can afford to drive down to Athens on a weekend so we can get stoned and watch Invader Zim, but he's on the road to starting a family, and so that scenario will get less and less likely as the years pass. Which is perfectly fine, because I hope the same is for me.
It's an example of friendship dynamics having to change. Jeff and I had a childhood friendship, a pre-teen awkward friendship, a high school friendship, a college drunken friendship, and now we're entering our adult friendship. If that means seeing each other at awkwardly formal dinner parties (as I assume it will since I've been watching a lot of Desperate Housewives lately) that's fine with me,
Other friendships though...I wonder if they'll ever evolve past the high school stage. Of course, one prime example is Rebecca. I'm not even going to go into all that though.
There's also the friends who, I have found out from third party sources, accept me to my face and say phobic things behind my back. Which is pretty cute, but I'm over it.
Friendships change dynamics.
that's what I keep coming back to. And the fact that it's okay. I'm not the frightened, suicidal, timid girl that I was. I'm something else entirely now.
I think about all the people who kept me alive over the years, and I mean that quite literally. I think about them and I wonder if I will, with my life, make up for the strain I have put on people. I hope that I can. Particularly my family. I'm going to put them through more in the coming years, I know. And maybe that is selfish. Maybe that is me saying, despite all you've done for me, I'm going to destroy the daughter and sister you fought to save anyway.
But I'm still going to be here. And I think that's what I've come to the past couple months. All of the hatred and self-loathing and self mutilation and feeling wrong even when everyone told me I was fine and I was a good person, all of that was me trying to break out of the shell that everyone saw. The shell I never really was.
I used to write about a monster deep inside me trying to break out but now I know that wasn't a monster. It was just me.
I've completely gone off target.
Sometimes I look in the mirror now and I don't have the surge of self-loathing. Sometimes I think I look good and I feel good and I'm just on the cusp of maybe loving myself. I think that's progress. I do.
I think I'm a good person, and I never thought I would get to that point. I'm going on a vastly different path than a lot of people, I am aware of this. But unlike a lot of things in my life, I know that even when I find out one of my closest friends in the world has been negative towards me because of this....it just rolls off my back. I just laugh. I forgive him.
which is definitely different.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
merp
I have difficulty expressing myself sometimes.
it's a good thing that lots of writers came before me to preemptively describe how I would feel at this moment in time
of course that thought in itself makes me think of Salinger--
"[ . . .]you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles." - Catcher in the Rye
everything goes back to Salinger these days since I've been rereading all of the Glass stories
(yes, this blog is meant to be about my transition but I'm a literary transman so this stuff is important too)
okay so I feel
um
I feel like a 13 year old boy
awkward and wanting to touch some titties
hm
ok tried that, time for quotes
"My heart was a habitation large enough for many guests, but lonely and chill, and without a household fire. I longed to kindle one! It seemed not so wild a dream" - Nathanial Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"A sensible man ought to find sufficient company in himself." - Bronte, Wuthering Heights
"It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;-- it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others." Austin, Sense and Sensibility
okay done
feelings expressed
it's a good thing that lots of writers came before me to preemptively describe how I would feel at this moment in time
of course that thought in itself makes me think of Salinger--
"[ . . .]you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles." - Catcher in the Rye
everything goes back to Salinger these days since I've been rereading all of the Glass stories
(yes, this blog is meant to be about my transition but I'm a literary transman so this stuff is important too)
okay so I feel
um
I feel like a 13 year old boy
awkward and wanting to touch some titties
hm
ok tried that, time for quotes
"My heart was a habitation large enough for many guests, but lonely and chill, and without a household fire. I longed to kindle one! It seemed not so wild a dream" - Nathanial Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"A sensible man ought to find sufficient company in himself." - Bronte, Wuthering Heights
"It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;-- it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others." Austin, Sense and Sensibility
okay done
feelings expressed
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