jesus

for a couple days after my weekly shot I am constantly ravenously hungry. Annoying when one is attempting to lose weight.

things are, overall, pretty good. I think I'm making some progress in some areas of concern.

haven't posted here in what feels like forever
this blog was meant to be about my transition
so when things started being less about transitioning and more about just being, it became less of a necessity to write
but
god
my sister emailed me yesterday and it broke my heart.
I've been living in this fantasy world where eventually my family comes around, but I'm starting to realize that it's never going to happen. They resent me for all the drama I've brought to the family. I know that.

They think I'm being selfish with my decisions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wql3xpJ5R5Y

wow

post coitus I want to like, chop wood and build ships and wrestle grizzly bears.

inside a boy

it's funny that as you transition, you start to become more and more comfortable in your own skin and you figure out what you want and you have people perceiving you a certain way and it all is working
and then you pursue a relationship or sex or whatever it is you're looking for and suddenly everything becomes complicated all over again.
especially when that girl is straight
hem
I guess I feel like when I'm around her I'm really....over doing the masculinity thing? At my most natural there is a healthy balance. I consider myself to be pretty in touch with my feminine side, and there are several aspects about me...my interests, my music, my appearance, my mannerisms, that cause me to appear to be an adorable little gay man but I love ladies
it is a problem!

ohhhh I had more thoughts but they are gone now.

writing at work instead of working

Wake up breathless, trying to pinpoint the moment when this became regularity
Remember that picture Mom had framed of us in the hallway just after a fight smile for the camera
Worth a thousand words but which are the right ones
to me it’s always you fucked up you fucked up you fucked up a thousand times over count them out carefully
Tangled up in my heart my dear you are [sic] it’s not a matter of me giving you my heart, that’s cliché and inaccurate. No, no my darling, you’re all in here, pieces of you in here not the other way around, not pieces of me given away and thrown away, no no
I lost bits here and there

Wake up gasping and wonder where it all went downhill

I hope you remember me in the dark moments of your life
strikethrough
I hope one day you understand why I
I hope you can forgi
In the dark moments in your life think about
I hope you know you’re gorgeous. There’s your punctuation.
And in the dark moments of your life remember that I fell in love with you.
this is what I mean to write. Remember I fell in love with you.
and every thing i ever said to you and every thing i ever did for you and every look i ever gave to you could be translated i love you i love you i love you
isn't that fucking noble
give me a goddamn prize why don't you

Wake up wishing for anything but, smoker’s cough honey, not long now.

sin
sin
sin

you know you live with too many hyper masculine guys when you have the following conversation
kyle: finish your beer, we need to see some skanks (at the bars)
ben: ima chug this and put it in your skull
kyle: jesse, put your fucking shoes on
me: I have to work at 6am tomorrow
kyle: SACK UP! SACK UP!


so I sacked up apparently
and
now
work is going to suck in 4 hours